I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
