I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
She told me I should be a condom model.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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