So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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