guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
