youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"