the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.