Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
