all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Randomize
