I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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