you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
