You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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