My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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