she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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