I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
