My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
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She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
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that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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