he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
