he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i just made my gag reflex go away.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
