I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
