2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
