i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
