i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
