If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
