I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
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