The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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