FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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