We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
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He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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