so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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