you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
