If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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