You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We don't watch enough power rangers
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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