I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
