I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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