How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
