The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
