When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
