someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
where am i from again
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
