There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
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I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
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He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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