Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
