Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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