you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
