I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
