just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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