woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
