..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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