omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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