My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
