You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
