So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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