Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
