If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
