then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
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i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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