the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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