Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
