is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
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And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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