So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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