how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You made out with two different species that night
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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