I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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