Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
