I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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