i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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